Monday, May 7, 2012

Ringless Pregnant Women & Mothers ...

Good Monday Morning...
i still don't have internet so i was unable to do an installment of LongLazySunday...
but my Sunday was long, not lazy & good!

Here's today's interesting blog post.
I read an article by Tamara of  Mocking Bird Don't Write entitled, 
Ringless & Married through Blogher and thought i would ponder it on my blog.  

Does it matter if you are married but choose not to wear a ring?
Is there judgement for women with children who do not wear a ring?

In her article, Tamara chose not to wear a ring after gaining weight from pregnancy.
When she is with her husband, she ays she is confident however
without her husband, there is a level of judgement she feels from others. 

Since i am still considered a newlywed
 (i think, I've only been married a year)
i wear my wedding ring ALL THE TIME!
I hardly ever take it off except to wash and put lotion in between my fingers.
I wear my ring because it's something i have done ever before i got married.
But Tamara's blog post made me think, "will there be judgement on me without a ring?"
Especially now that i am pregnant.  
Will others look at me with judgement, shake their heads and think
"there goes another unmarried pregnant black woman."
I think as much as your mind knows you are married without a ring,
a look or glance from someone else will make you think you are being judged.
And judgement stings like nasty words or a slap in the face. 

Tamara raises many important "what if" questions about ringless women and mothers.
Tamara wonders:
 "What if her husband had just passed away and wearing the ring hurt too much?
What if her religion views jewelry as unnecessary vanity and she is very much married?
Or what if she's divorced? Or what if she was never married?
Or what if she's just like me and simply can't fit into her ring?"

I am sure i have judged mothers, pregnant or with children without rings...
because as a Society we are so quick to believe wedding rings are the only symbol of love.
But Tamara reminds us that wedding rings are NOT the only symbol of love.
She reminds us there are many symbols of love
including the gentle caress a pregnant woman gives to her growing belly and the helping 
hand a mother gives to her small child after he has fallen.  

It's definitely easy to judge a pregnant woman or mother without a ring
but reading Tamara's article reminded me the wedding ring is NOT the only symbol of love.  
Love is more than a wedding ring.

Question of the Day?
Have you ever felt judgment because you weren't wearing a wedding ring?
Have you ever judged someone because they were NOT wearing a wedding ring?

Source Unknown


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I try really hard not to judge others about something like that... you have no idea why they don't have a ring on their finger so why judge?

Carlie said...

Well I have feeling ppl think I'm not married sometimes bc I don't wear my ring to the gym. Seth actually started wearing his wedding ring when we got engaged so we do all sorts of crazy stuff with rings over here ha ha :)

Michelle P said...

I think there are a lot of judgmental people out there. However, I do not judge.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I don't even look at people's hands to see if they're wearing a ring. That wouldn't occur to me because it's just not important whether they wear it or not.

Anna Catherine said...

Interesting. Being single, I don't look at women's hands, I look at men's to see if they are taken :-) And honestly, that's why it would be important to me to wear mine, so that it was known I was taken. Is it odd that is one of the things I look most forward to about being married? I want to be identified with someone else. I want people to stop trying to set me up, I don't want to be hit on, I want the "poor you" looks to stop because I'm old and single ... And that's my soapbox for today :-)

This Cookn' Mom said...

I do not wear my ring and let met tell you the eyes are always looking. I see people look down at my hand all the time. The judging begins. I am the single mother with 3 girls, I must have 3 different baby daddys, my husband must be my boyfriend. Marriage is more than a ring. Love is more than a ring.That is the main reason why I don't wear it. These days rings are just for show...the bigger the better.

Miesha Roshawn said...

I believe that's a huge part of what's wrong with our society. Too many people spend time worrying and judging other folks' business rather than tending to their own. God is the only one to judge.

Ticka said...

I can't say that I've conciously judged others for not having on a ring, but I have felt watchful eyes on my ring finger when I'm out with my kids. Sometimes I find myself making sure that people see my ring on purpose. Sad, but true.

Nicole said...

Good question...I try to not judge mothers without rings, cause frankly it's none of my business! My sister is a single mom. And you know what? Who cares? That baby is beautiful and loved, and that's all that matters.

As for myself, I like having my ring on, because I live in a SMALL town. If I didn't wear it, for the people who knew me it would mean "something was wrong" in my marriage, or for the single men who didn't know me, it would mean I was available. Not only that, but my ring is beautiful so I don't mind showing it off :)

Carissa said...

I believe there is a judgement that comes along with having kids with no ring. When I had Emma she was born at the County Hospital (yeah the one with the reputation for taking in a lot of people without insurance) she was born there because of her Cleft Lip/Palate and they were the best hospital for it with my insurance. We had excellent care, however, I noticed while there that they would only tell me certain things and or talk to me a certain way like I was uneducated...however, after I was discharged and she wasnt I started back wearing my engagement ring when I would go back and forth to the hospital. When I started wearing my ring I noticed that people would actually talk to me like I was educated enough to understand, they started asking us more personal questions and everything else. I think before they thought here is another single black female having a baby with a baby daddy...and that wasn't the case at all.

I also noticed many stares when I was pregnant, until people realized I had a ring on my finger. And although it wasn't a wedding band there, they could tell that oh this isnt a baby daddy case like they assumed or "judged".

Nylse said...

Who cares what other people think? they're going to judge anyhow. Be satisfied with who you are and do what you have to do.

You see i'm at that place in life, where i dont live my life worrying - what will people think? if they have a concern, come talk to me.

I was judged when i was pregnant - i swore the dr thought i was a young single mother even though i wore a ring..and then when my husband came to appointments it was like he'd never seen a young black married couple (normal) who were having a baby.
People are always going to judge, you just have to be strong.

Cam | Bibs and Baubles said...

it happens for sure. i'd feel odd without my ring especially being pregnant... i guess it a matter of the way i was raised. but it's true you never know somebody's situation. no judgement here.

Rod and Alex - aka: "Rolex" said...

Very interesting topic! To be honest, I always assume that pregnant women who are not wearing wedding rings had to take their rings off because of water retention or weight gain. I guess it isn't always a correct assumption. But most of my friends who have babies had to take their rings off at some point and some were not able to wear their rings for 2-3 months after childbirth.

One of my girlfriends bought an inexpensive silver band to wear during pregnancy (a couple of sizes larger than her normal size). I think this is an interesting idea and will consider it when I'm pregnant!

kita said...

I think it only comes when you have children. I will never forget the time I had my kids with me and I ran to target my ring was being resized so I did not have it on. I went through the line and the lady was just rude to me and treated me with no respect. A couple of weeks later I went through the same line and had my ring on and she was a totally different person. Asking me the kids age saying how cute they were and everything. I was kind of shocked.

Lauren said...

Interesting thoughts...I was able to wear my rings all throughout my pregnancy but couldn't wear them for about 1-2 weeks after Elyse arrived. I don't remember feeling any judgment (and I really don't think I would have cared at that point), but it was certainly a big deal when I could wear them again...if for no other reason than to know that my water weight was finally coming off!

Monica said...

I hadn't really thought about that since I am not married or a mother but now I realize that if I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a kid and no ring I do maybe judge a bit...I guess everyone's situation is different.

Big K Fam said...

Awesome post!!! I've judged people before and now I feel SO guilty!!! It has been a humbling experience because I couldn't wear my rings while pregnant AND I still can't fit into them!!! I've gotten nasty looks from older women {especially the grocery store}, and now I understand why Jesus says LOVE! I will never judge anyone again!

Anonymous said...

I think we are so used to married people wearing rings, we can't help but look at hands to see a persons marital status. I have been guilty of looking for a ring on a hand several times. I don't know what my motives were for looking but I did. I felt the judgement of people when I wasn't married but had my son. Sometimes I cared and sometimes I didn't.

Alida said...

I have not worn a traditional looking wedding ring for the past ten years. I wear a black pearl ring that my husband gave me for our 20th anniversary. Some people may think I am not married just from seeing my ring but that doesn't bother me. I wear a wedding type ring on my right hand because that was the ring finger in Russia. But I think here in Belize people just assume a woman my age is married and has kids.

I don't make assumptions when I see a pregnant woman with no ring hands were too swollen to wear my rings so I just think that she might have the same problem.

Anonymous said...

I never went without my ring even after my fingers swell. BUT, I did feel judged (and maybe it was my own paranoia) when I went to all of the doctor's appointments by myself when I was pregnant. My husband was unable to go because he had to work and he was new so he couldn't get off.

I grimaced every time a woman walked in the waiting room with the father of her child because I felt like just another black baby mama...

A Haute Mommy said...

This bothers me on so many different levels and I can't even find the energy to go there...

Kate @ Daffodils said...

When my fingers got to fat for my rings, I still wore them around my neck. It felt right to me to do that because I just love them, but maybe subconsciously, I didn't want to be judged? Interesting post.

LaNeshe said...

I don't know if it's the old fashioned in me, but I feel like married people should wear rings. Now, of course, in the case of it not fitting during pregnancy, that can't be avoided.

When I see a pregnant woman I don't even think to look at their fingers. I think it's pretty horrible to judge a pregnant woman based on the perceived lack of her marriage, even if it is true.

My husband wants to wear his ring on a necklace because he doesn't like it on his finger, but I refuse. I feel like women who know him will make some type of judgement to him no longer wearing the ring on his finger.

Claire said...

i never look at a womans ring finger. My mum dosent wear her ring during the day as she is a chiropodist. There are many reasons why a woman wouldnt wear it. all of which are none of my bisuness.

toi said...

i've never though about this issue because i am always wearing my ring.
sometimes when i am not wearing the ring i feel naked or just something missing.
few months ago hubby lost his ring, but whilst he was on work trip he felt lost without the ring. this means that sometimes it is not about being judged but about how without that ring you feel inside

Anonymous said...

Most things don't bother me, but I can't lie - when I was pregnant, I went to great lengths to ALWAYS wear my ring. I don't knock anyone's situation or circumstance, however, I was raised and supported to get married before having a child. I was blissfully happy to have a loving husband and be carrying his child. I was PROUD of being pregnant, but moreso of being a pregnant wife. **shrugs** Other might not care or think it's a big deal, but I did and still do.

Papi's Girl said...

I don't think this matters. I also don't think anyone should judge or be judged for not wearing a wedding ring and having kids or being pregnant. This is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I am a married mother and don't wear a ring because I am separated from my husband. Nobody knows my story and I don't really care if they do. God is the only one I am here to please.

Esther Cotton said...

Growing up, I would notice that my mother never wore her wedding ring except for on special occasions when she would dress up and actually put on jewelry. My mom just wasn't a jewelry or a ring person. It was never viewed as negative to any of us, and honestly we never even noticed!

My mom was my mom, in her body, with her mind... there was never a question that she was my dad's wife and our mom. There was never a question of whether or not she loved my father. She showed her love to ALL of us by how she took care of us and worked hard for us and kept us fed, clothed, bathed, and took us to the hospital when we were sick.

Not wearing her wedding ring or other jewelry was a comfort to her, and she is comfort for us. Likewise, my mom's love for us was and still is so strong for us, there is no doubt. :)

Rings definitely don't matter. There are SO many people out there that constantly wear their huge wedding rings everywhere, and it's more of a DISPLAY of their love to everybody around them, rather that it is actual love for their spouse standing right next to them.

I say, rings don't really matter. Love is a verb, not a physical object/symbol. :)

- Esther

Kearnsnfar said...

I think there are a lot of judgmental people out there. However, I do not judge.