Friday, October 7, 2011

The Marital Debate: The Alternative Sleeping Arrangement

Mr. Pancakes and i have been together four years and married five months.  
And one of the perks about getting married was we would be able to share a bed together, lawfully.  
But already, we are thinking about getting alternative sleeping arrangements:
separate beds.  
You remember back in the fifties, when men and women shared the same room but different beds? 
Think about it...the set up was PERFECT! 
Not only did you get your own bed to sprawl on, 
you were able to sleep undisturbed throughout the entire night.  
And sometimes don't you just want to sleep undisturbed...
wink wink, nudge nudge!

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Pancakes and i enjoy each other 
including our cuddle time, pillow talk and all the intimacy that comes with sharing a bed. 
 But we also LOVE to sleep.  
That was not on my list...but God knew what was important 
and introduced me to a man that loves to sleep as much as i do.  
However to be able to REALLY do so  means we both need separate beds 
where we can sprawl out, relax and deep SLEEP!

There is a case to be made here and i will share my arguments for bringing back separate beds.  
The divorce rate wasn't so high when couples had separate beds.  
Probably because they were not cranky & miserable with each other from lack of sleep.

When you share a bed, there is disturbance when one spouse's bedtime routine is different.  
Sometimes Mr. Pancakes likes to watch football games and i am ready to sleep.  
He disturbs me when he gets under the covers hence disrupting my sleep.  
I am a tosser & turner.  
I will toss and turn a million times before i finally find my spot 
(mind you, it's the same spot every night but i have my bedtime routine). 
I am sure this disturbs Mr. Pancakes like crazy.  

And let's not forget about the fight over the blankets.  
There have been mornings where Mr. Pancakes stated
 "i was freezing last night because you hogged the covers."  
Of course i deny, deny, deny...
i probably hog the covers because i do like to feel cocooned while sleeping 
(cuddling doesn't occur throughout the sleep process).

And yet again, let's not forget that one spouse always hogs the entire bed 
leaving a sliver of space for the other spouse (Team Pancakes has a queen bed).  
There have been many a times when i have to catch myself 
from falling off the edge of the bed 
because my awesome husband is practically on my pillows.  
He claims, he is cuddling.   
But honestly, cuddling only occurs until both parties are ready to settle into deep sleep. 
 No couple cuddles in the middle of deep sleep anyway.  

And let's not forget about the spouse that SNORES. 
Thank goodness we both don't do this on a regular basis.  
Although Mr. Pancakes insists i snore when i am really tired, i beg to defer! 
But again, with separate beds, there would be some distance.

Mr. Pancakes and i continue to debate this issue.  
I am not sure if we will actually go to separate beds.  
We love each other.  
We love our cuddle/pillow talk time. 
 We love to sleep too.  
We love to be comfortable. 
We like being relaxed in the morning.  
We are still debating this question of separate beds in the Team Pancakes household. 
In the end we will do what is right for us and our marriage.

But if you are debating this question in your household, 
here are the benefits of separate beds from Ask Men  
(i know, i know...i couldn't find a woman's version so i don't agree with all of them but it will suffice):

1. You will sleep more comfortably
2. You will never disturb the other person
3. You will have more sex
4. It will be like it was in the early days
5. You will remember why you are with him/her

These are just some benefits of separate beds.  

Would you ever consider this alternative sleeping arrangement? 
Would/could it ruin the intimacy in your marriage?

Mr. Pancakes completely endorsed this post! 
He is a STRONG proponent of separate beds. 
And so am i! 
But we reside in a studio apartment 
so separate beds can't happen right now. 
Dang it!!


Christina said...

If that is what works for you, then go for it! I'm not against it, although I'm not sure I would like sleeping in separate bed from my husband. Every couple is different. My parents have been married 33 years and they sleep in separate beds because my dad snores and my mom is a very light sleeper. It's what works for them!

Candice said...

This is so funny - my guy went to Australia over the weekend for three nights and ZOMG I slept like a log!! Best sleeps ever!! He came back...and I got maybe a few hours sleep? And constantly woke up tossing and turning.
My grandparents have slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember because Grandad has such weird sleeping habits - they've been together well over 50 years and had five kids!

Evelien said...

My husband, sitting next to me and reading along says: there are beds that you can slide open in the middle so you can have 2 beds once the cuddling is over and you want to sleep ;)

Heather said...

Did people really have separate beds back in the 1950s, or was it just that the FCC wouldn't allow couples to be shown in the same bed on TV? Whatever the answer, I say every couple should do whatever works for them!

Jere and Cara said...

I guess I never really thought about it...but now that you bring it up I cannot help but think how right you may be!

Earl-Leigh said...

The hubby and I sleep separately some nights. He snores and i have some sleeping issues (hard to fall asleep, easy to wake up). It works for us!

Anonymous said...

When we were living in a bigger place, I used to go into the guest bedroom when hubby was snoring. ;)

Alicia@ Mommy Delicious said...

I never even thought of couple who live together sleeping in separate beds, but you certainly bring up good points. Pillow talk is lovely, snoring, isn't.

CC [AKA Frugalista] said...

If he snored I'd need a separate room not a separate bed. Thank goodness we don't have that issue. I sleep very well with hubby. Sometimes he's a covers thief and if we don't wanna be all up on each other we just retreat to separate sides of our king bed. I'd never allow separate beds but sharing works so good for us I don't think either of us would even think of it. Hey, whatever works though!

Bravoe Runway said...

I am not married so I am not sure how I can contribute to this dialogue. favorite designer Diane Von Furstenberg practices this arrangement, she lives in her NY penthouse studio Mon-Fri above her flagship store and visits her husband on wknds at his hotel condo! So...this could be the secret to long-lasting marriage.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I was thinking the same as Heather, I assumed the separate beds thing we saw on TV was just TV. I never thought that's how people actually slept even back then.
I would love to know if the 2 of you actually go through with this. :)

YUMMommy said...

I've tried the separate beds thing and while you don't have to worry about somebody's knees in your back, you can still hearing the snoring, if you're a light sleeper you'll hear the other person when they get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of night. We just got separate covers and called it a wrap.

Stop by and link up for Follow Friday.

ASingleMothersJourney said...

This is why I love the Pancakes marriage! You all are great communicators and it definitely shows that you both value the commitment of marriage. The fact that you would even consider having separate beds is amazing not because you want to sleep alone but because you see where there can be a potential problem and are seeking alternatives to make it work. So many couples would argue over the topic and get offended thinking their partner doesn't want to sleep with them, but you all see it as finding a way around an obstacle to make your marriage last.

Nini said...

I remember when I worked at RC alot of guests checking in (married couples) would request a room with two doubles instead of a queen/king and I would be like huh? I have been fortunate cause hubs and I sleep well that didn't sound right but you know what I mean. I say do what works for you. If you're more comfortable in separate beds go for it!

Nellie said...

My inlaws have separate beds and they have been married over 60+ years. Yes, I agree, there is something to it!

I couldn't do it however, i just kinda need to know he is there. For example, my toddler woke us up in the middle of the night and he came back to bed and just held my hand to help me fall back asleep. Aw!

Rod and Alex - aka: "Rolex" said...

There was an episode of "How I Met your Mother" about spouses having separate beds! It was so funny! Haha!
I'm a "cuddler" aka: I like to leave Rod with 1 to 2 inches of space on the bed. Poor guy.
We have a queen bed too. We have talked about getting a Cal King. That way we'll have the extra space (but it probably means I'll just have four extra feet of bed...and Rod will get his two inches..haha).
Great post!

sherri lynn said...

so funny! I definitely don't sleep as well now that we're married and sleeping in the same bed, but I wouldn't want to have separate beds!

toi said...

Very interesting post.

Mmmm, I don't think in the 50s the divorce rate was lower because of couples sleeping in seperate beds, people were afraid to get divorce because of society would judge them ;).

I am a turned and tosser too and hog the covers, but we like the one bed especially when is cold in the winter - I normally have cold feet and I rub against hubby's feet to get some warmth. But he says I have been snoring due to my pregnancy. I asked him to record my snoring and when I listened to it, it was just a sweet little noise caused by my blocked nose.

Aleta said...

I toss and turn in my sleep, I sleep talk... my husband does the same and he has a CPAP machine that makes a lot of noise.

Ok, so, if you want to hear from someone who has not only a separate bed, but also her own room (hey, it gives us another bed to "snuggle" in hehe)... you're talking to her. I love having my own sleeping space and so does my husband. But every night we snuggle before going to sleep and every morning we snuggle as well.

It works out great! We get plenty of sleep and it doesn't make our lives together any less romantic or less touchy-feely.

But I'll say what IS less romantic.... when a couple tells you about sharing their bed and then how the husband had horrible gas that night! Lol. See, there ARE many perks to separate spaces ;0)

The Atypical Housewife said...

The first six months or so I was married to my husband were the hardest! It was so hard getting used to him snoring, talking in his sleep, and doing other random things. I cannot count the times I got whacked in the face, and too this day when getting settled into bed I still have a little fear of getting too close to his elbow! However, that being said, we ended up getting a king size bed, and my husband and I do NOT share the same cover. We each have our own blankets. My husband is so, so, so warm, I tried a few times and nearly died of heat stroke. Now that we've been married 2 years its not as difficult anymore. Great post though!

Monique said...

this is so well written and an excellent topic of discussion. i've never thought about getting separate bed although i would love a king size bed, but honestly sometimes when we are in a hotel with a king i feel like he's so far away. we cuddle for a pretty significant portion of the night. i love these old photos though and it is tough when the other person can't sleep. my hubs slept on the couch when i got the flu. once you get a bigger place i'm interested too hear if you guys go through with getting separate beds. very interesting. kudos for getting along in a studio we have a 1 bedroom and sometimes if one of us are in the room and one out in the living room it makes a world of a difference with that space. Again great post!

Anonymous said...

My grandparents actually slept in different rooms because my grandfather was a snorer. My parents shared a bed, but sometimes my mom would sleep in the guest room.

When we get a bigger place, I actually brought up the idea of different beds/rooms. Just because I want to sleep in the middle of the bed with my leg sticking out one side, doesn't mean I love him any less or that we are less intimate than couples who sleep together. Plus, in the morning I could brush my teeth before seeing him so I don't attack him with my awful morning breath. ^_^ Good topic!

Anonymous said...

oh! And what about awesome times of sneaking into each others beds/rooms to have naughty time?! That would be awesome! Like a late night sex drive by! lol

Rocker Chic said...

Wow Mrs.P this was a hot topic Im looking at the responses and I am like WOW :) I love the fact Mr. P endorsed this lol. I currently don't have a spouse but when I do I would love to share a bed with my sweet guy.

I am going to email you about guest blogging I am so excited.

Married...with a Pup said...

I hear you! We are getting wonderful king-sized bed here soon so we can sleep undisturbed!! We are seriously so excited! Hope you have a great weekend!

Oneika said...

Hmm! I like this idea! I am a tosser and turner as well!

Athletes4Life said...

This is a good topic. I love my wife very much. I'm thinking about separate beds, but dont think I would feel as close to my wife as I do. But a good night sleep every now then sounds good!

Anonymous said...

While I LOVE snuggling with the manfriend... and obviously I'm like "OMG OF COURSE I WANT TO SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AS HIM. THREE YEARS OF LONG DISTANCE. GET ME IN HIS BED!!" hahaha... but I totally know what you're saying. The quality of sleep is crap... that's the bottom line! I'm sure we will always sleep in the same bed but I love that you guys are open to whatever comes your way :) Love you two!

Desiray said...

I know you have to do what works for you but I strongly would disagree with doing that sis, for one reason the enemy would have a field day if you did this...I don't mean to preach but don't give the enemy a reason to come into your bed room...please don 't...

Nylse said...

how does sleeping in seperate beds produce more sex? I'm really curious about this.
the best part about this post was doing what works for your marriage - thats the way it should be...but please answer the sex question.

Vanisha @ Vanisha's Life In...Australia said...

Power to you! It's great that you're prepared to do what's right for you and your marriage. I think it makes a lot of sense, the separate beds. To each his own.

Sophia Chang said...

hahaha this was an awesome post - I'm constantly sharing your posts about newly married life with my s.o.

I've been joking (kind of) lately about a duplex. Yup, I kind of wish we had separate houses with a door connecting them or something. That way he can watch his nonstop 5 channels of ESPN and let his mail pile up into ungodly piles and leave his used Diet Coke cans everywhere, while I can write in peace and watch the CW and Sister Wives and not have his dirty socks on the floor. :)

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I love having a whole bed to myself but I also like to have someone to cuddle with and snuggle up to when I'm cold. I need the best of both worlds lol.

Mrs. Pancakes said...

thanks ladies for all the differing and honest opinions
@Heather-i think i heard about the FCC ruleto but i am sure couples had separate beds in realk life too example of couple married 55years
@Monique--i will keep you posted when we move into a bigger place
@Athletes4life--i am glad you love your wife and couldn't bear to be away from them:-)
@Nylse-the more sex..i am assuming comes from the more sleep you have the more energy you have to engage in the activity
@Desiray--the devil has nothing on us..but that's a good point
@Sophia-there are definitely some perks to having separate rooms/houses


I have to say, this is not a bad idea at all! We wouldn't do it...we've been sleeping in the same bed every night for 21 years so we're used to each others sleep patterns. But if it works for you then totally go for it! :) xoxo

Miss Amy said...

I'm a cuddler for about 20 minutes. Then I want my space too!!! ;)

Kaysie said...

You are so right about the quality of followers. I like to think of it as trimming the fat haha :)

Different beds? What bravery. My loveboat is an extreme sprawler so I understand :)

Megan said...

I think y'all should do whatever works for y'all! Thank goodness, we sleep SO SO well together. Neither of us bothers the other at all. Nobody snores. We definitely don't cuddle all night or anything, but I love knowing that he's there. If I do wake up, I love reaching out to put a hand on him or something. Haha. Weird, I know. I waited 24 dang years to have a man in my bed!! : )

Mrs. Pancakes said...

lol@Megan...and you better enjoy that man in your bed:-)

Sara @ Struggling Happiness said...

I haven't read anyone else's comments, but what about like a sleep number type bed where the beds are "separate" but together? I totally understand the separate bed thing, I just don't know if I could give up the cuddling every night that would be an ultimate bummer...

Tiffany said...

Very interesting! I am sure this would never worry for me and my hubby. But as others have said, you have to do what works for YOUR marriage. So if you and hubby are on the same page, go for it! I hope to hear more about how it works out!

Emily w/Amazing Grapes said...

I say get a King. It will make things a thousand times better!! I have the same issues with a queen, its just too small sometimes and it really does disrupt your normal happy sleep when the other is all up in your space and your banging knees or elbows! King solves all problems in my eyes. haha

Emily w/Amazing Grapes

Amber said...

I think you're onto something here! Cuddling is sweet and all, but someone's arm usually gets jacked up and it's typically mine! I like my space when I'm asleep. Plus, my husband is 6ft tall, so I'm sure having his own bed wouldn't be a terrible idea to him. :)

Cam | Bibs and Baubles said...

I never even thought about it. Good points. Our solution was a bigger bed. My hubby still gripes about me hogging the covers every now and then. HA! He might be totally on board with separate beds! LOL!

Mrs. Julius said...

mmmm we didn't think it would happen to us but after we had Marcus...we are now sleeping in separate beds.

on good nights we sleep in the same bed but most nights I'm alone or with Marcus because I'm the one that wakes up with him. It just makes it easier for my hubby because he needs a good night sleep for long days at work.

maybe once Marcus is a bit older and sleeps thru the night we will be together again...or maybe not. I can already picture Marcus crawling into our bed in the middle of the night. :P

ej said...

You are such a sweet follower, thanks for always leaving me little comments. :) they always make me smile! And I am going right from separate beds to separate bedrooms.. I spend FOREVER getting ready for bed, and hubs can never fall asleep... Poor little guy. Good thing I am so hot after im done putting in my sexy retainer and rubbing on face cream when I finally crawl into bed.

Faith said...

this is interesting ... as much as sometimes i would love it if hubby slept the way i wanted him to, i don't really enjoy not sleeping in the bed with him. we did find something that did work. we both sleep with different comforters that way no one is left in bed to freeze because someone has hogged all the covers, hehe. we learned our lesson.

but i think whatever works for a couple is what should be done.